International Friendship Day: What the Science Says About Building Meaningful Friendships

Romantic relationships have rituals which honour and celebrate them. Engagements, anniversaries, weddings, and commitment ceremonies are just some examples of the way we engage in public recognition of romantic relationships. We celebrate engagements and weddings. We congratulate people on finding "the one." Movies often end when the romantic relationship begins, as though the rest of life's relationships become secondary. As the book highlights, placing importance on romantic relationships isn’t the problem. Rituals and celebrations are an important part of honouring the importance of relationships.

The issue is that friendships, on the other hand, are often treated as optional. More and more, friendships are what we fit into the spaces left over after work, parenting, household responsibilities, and romantic relationships.

However, research consistently shows that meaningful social connections are associated with lower rates of depression and anxiety, greater resilience during stressful life events, improved cardiovascular health, stronger immune functioning, and even a longer lifespan. In other words, friendship isn't simply enjoyable; it is deeply protective. In fact, the World Health Organization has highlighted loneliness as being as toxic to our bodies as smoking! Research has also shown that friendships improve the quality of our romantic relationships, too. When our partner gets a friend, our relationship with them improves as well.

This might be because when we experience genuine connection, our nervous systems begin to settle. We feel safer. We feel understood. We have people who celebrate our successes, support us during difficult seasons, and remind us that we don't have to carry life's burdens alone. Friendship adds to our lives and to feelings of connectedness. 

One of the most validating ideas in Platonic is that making friends as an adult isn't difficult because you're doing something wrong. It's difficult because adulthood changes the way friendships are formed. Franco talks about unintentional repeated interactions as being an important part of the recipe for building friendships. 

As children, unintentional repeated interactions are built into our lives. We see the same classmates every day. We play on sports teams. We attend birthday parties. We spend hours together simply because we're in the same environment. Friendship grows naturally through repeated exposure.

Adulthood looks very different. Though our lives become fuller and, in many ways, more isolated. As we focus on responsibilities that adulthood demands of us, we sequester less and less time for investing in friendship. Sometimes this shift can cause us to start believing, “I am bad at making or keeping friends,” instead of reflecting on how life has changed to make friendships harder to maintain. 

Sometimes this perspective can be under what Dr. Marisa G. Franco describes as the Liking Gap. Research suggests that after meeting someone for the first time, people consistently underestimate how much the other person liked them. In other words, we're often much harder on ourselves than others are, assuming we made a poorer impression than we actually did.

Adding another layer to this, research has also found that people tend to like those whom they believe like them, a phenomenon psychologists sometimes refer to as the reciprocity of liking. When we assume someone doesn't like us, we're less likely to smile, initiate another conversation, or reach out again. At the same time, they may be making the very same assumptions about us.

The result is a missed opportunity for connection. Two people who may have genuinely enjoyed meeting each other walk away believing the other wasn't interested, and a potential friendship never has the chance to grow.

 

One of the most encouraging messages in Platonic is that meaningful friendships aren't something we're lucky enough to stumble upon; they are relationships we can intentionally cultivate. While chemistry and shared interests certainly play a role, lasting friendships are often built through small, consistent acts of openness, curiosity, and care.

Here are some of the key principles Dr. Franco highlights, along with ways you can begin applying them in your own life.

1. Take the First Step 

Many of us wait for others to initiate. Keeping in mind the liking gap and reciprocity of liking, Dr. Franco suggests assuming that people want to be our friends and take the initiative to be the person who reaches out first. If the invitation isn't accepted, try not to interpret it as a reflection of your worth. People's schedules, energy levels, and life circumstances often have far more to do with their response than their interest in a friendship.

Therapist's Reflection: Is there someone you've been thinking about lately? Consider sending them a simple message today. It doesn't need to be elaborate. Sometimes a heartfelt "I was just thinking about you. How have you been?” is enough to reopen the door.

2. Assume Positive Intent

Platonic discusses how our brains are often wired to anticipate rejection. However, Dr. Franco encourages readers to challenge this tendency by assuming that people are generally open to connection unless there is strong evidence to suggest otherwise.

This doesn't mean ignoring red flags or believing everyone will become a close friend. Rather, it means giving new relationships the chance to develop without allowing fear to write the ending before the story has even begun.

When we expect acceptance instead of rejection, we show up differently. We smile more, ask more questions, and engage more authentically. These behaviours are much more likely to foster connection and friendship.

3. Let People Get to Know the Real You 

Often, people will keep to surface conversation because vulnerability feels risky. It's normal to feel afraid of rejection! As social mammals, our sense of safety is connected to being accepted by others. So, when we talk about work, the weather, or our busy schedules, it can feel easier or safer than opening up. 

However, Platonic outlines how healthy friendships grow through gradual, reciprocal vulnerability. That doesn't mean sharing your deepest struggles with someone you've just met. It means allowing yourself to be seen a little more over time, sharing your interests, your hopes, your challenges, or something meaningful that happened during your week.

Connection deepens when people feel they know one another, not just know about one another.

Therapist's Reflection: The next time someone asks, "How are you?" consider giving an answer that's just a little more genuine than "I'm good." Notice what happens when you allow someone to know you a bit more.

4. Be Consistent, Not Perfect 

Strong friendships aren't built through grand gestures. More often, they're built through consistency.

Checking in after a difficult week. Remembering a birthday. Following up after someone shares something important. Sending the funny article that made you think of them. These seemingly small moments communicate something powerful: You matter to me.

Many people believe friendships should maintain themselves if they're "meant to be." In reality, even our closest relationships require attention and care. Like any meaningful relationship, friendships flourish when they're nurtured.

Therapist's Reflection: In what ways might you be able to show up for someone this week?

5. Choose Curiosity Over Assumptions and Be Willing to Repair 

No matter how healthy a friendship is, misunderstandings and hurt feelings are inevitable. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. The difference between friendships that deepen and those that slowly fade often lies in how we respond when those moments arise. 

Sometimes when someone disappoints us, it's easy for our minds to fill in the blanks. We might assume they no longer value the friendship, are intentionally distancing themselves, or don't care as much as we do. In reality, there are often many possible explanations. They may be overwhelmed, distracted, struggling with something we know nothing about, or simply unaware that their actions were hurtful.

Rather than allowing assumptions to shape the story, Dr. Franco encourages us to approach these situations with curiosity. Before deciding what someone else's behaviour means, consider asking questions and seeking to understand their perspective.

At the same time, curiosity doesn't mean ignoring your own feelings. Here is where we really see a separation between romantic and platonic relationships. In romantic relationships, the expectation is that we will communicate when something has hurt us, but in platonic relationships, we don’t always have the same confidence to do so.

Healthy friendships require the courage to communicate when you've been hurt. While it can feel vulnerable, sharing your experience gives the other person an opportunity to understand your perspective, clarify misunderstandings, and repair the relationship. Without those conversations, resentment can quietly grow, creating emotional distance where there was once closeness.

Repair doesn't guarantee that every friendship will last. Some relationships aren't meant to continue, and healthy boundaries remain important. However, many friendships end not because the relationship was beyond repair, but because neither person felt safe enough to talk about what had happened.

Therapist's Reflection: The next time you find yourself feeling hurt by a friend, pause before assuming their intentions. Ask yourself, "What else could be true?" If the friendship feels important to you, consider whether an honest and compassionate conversation might bring greater understanding rather than greater distance.

One of the most powerful ideas woven throughout Platonic is that friendship isn't about becoming more interesting, more outgoing, or more likable. It's about creating opportunities for authentic connection.

Sometimes, there are barriers to connection that run deeper than simply not knowing what to say or if you should reach out.  Past experiences, attachment patterns, anxiety, trauma, or fear of rejection can all make it difficult to build and maintain the relationships we long for.

The good news is that these patterns can change. Working with a trained therapist can help you better understand what's getting in the way, develop healthier relationship patterns, and begin building the meaningful connections you deserve.

At Holistic Healing Counselling, our qualified Edmonton-based therapists are here to support you. If you'd like to explore how therapy can help you strengthen your relationships and feel more connected, we'd love to hear from you.

You don't have to navigate it alone.