Ethical Non-Monogamy: A Beginner's Guide

1. It's just cheating with permission - Infidelity occurs when one partner breaches the rules of the relationship and their partner’s trust by engaging in another intimate relationship. ENM relationships are inherently transparent and require agreement from everyone involved. Additionally, cheating can occur in ENM relationships. 
2. Opening up will solve existing relationship issues - Monogamous relationships can require a lot of work at times. However, ENM relationships arguably require even more. People committed to this type of relationship have to dedicate more time and energy to unpacking their own feelings, as well as communicating those to their partner(s).
3. ENM means you can do whatever you want - Being ethically non-monogamous does not relieve you of the responsibility of caring for your partner(s). Just as in a traditional monogamous relationship, decisions should be made with consideration for everyone’s feelings, boundaries, and comfort levels. 
4. An open relationship is an easy way to get laid - While some people’s chosen form of ENM focuses on this, finding ENM connections often involves a lot of time and effort. 

Open Relationships

If you consider yourself someone who craves diversity in the bedroom, an open relationship might appeal to you. This type of relationship sometimes evokes mental images of key parties in the 1970s. However, many arrangements and rich experiences can exist in this category. For instance, many swingers today consider themselves ‘progressive swingers’ and focus on ongoing friendships with people who share similar values. People in open relationships practice relationship hierarchy, meaning they prioritize their primary partner in all life domains but have agreed to have outside sexual partners and friendships. This type of relationship can also include group encounters and swapping partners with other couples.

Polyamory

The practice of polyamory refers to having more than one romantic, intimate partner. While open relationships often focus more on seeking sexual partners outside of the primary relationship, polyamory prioritizes all types of connections with other partners, including emotional, intellectual, romantic, and sexual. Polyamorous relationships can involve multiple people who are all in a relationship with each other, like a triad or quad, or can refer to anyone who forms relationships with multiple partners at the same time. If the idea of dating another person or people appeals to you, this may be more your speed.

Relationship Anarchy

Relationship anarchists choose to view all types of relationships as equally important, rather than placing romantic partnerships above all others. A person who considers themselves to be a relationship anarchist may only have one romantic partner but would still be considered ENM because they value their other relationships as much as their romantic one. Relationship anarchists therefore do not label partners as primary or secondary partners. If you value autonomy and tend to push back against the expectations of traditional social norms and intimate relationships, consider learning more about this philosophy.

What type of relationship structure do I/we want? 

There are as many answers to this question as there are people answering it – your relationship structure will be unique to you and, therefore, you have to figure out what will work best, based on your needs, desires, boundaries, and comfort level. An important consideration is figuring out how you feel about hierarchy within your relationships. People who align with relationship anarchy reject hierarchical rankings of partners entirely; the level of emotion, time, and physical investment in each relationship is purposefully determined and agreed upon by partners. Or maybe you are part of a couple and looking at transitioning from monogamy to ethical non-monogamy. In that case, you may decide to keep your current partner as your ‘primary’ or ‘anchor’ and add partners in various capacities as you navigate this transition. These are only a few of the options that you will need to consider.

Other considerations include what sorts of connections you want to form with new partners: are you interested in full relationships that include emotional intimacy? Are you mostly interested in expanding your sexual horizons? If you have a partner currently, how will you handle it if your desired relationship structures don’t align?

What are my boundaries and limits?

Many couples decide they want to have agreements, boundaries, and non-negotiables in place before opening their relationships. Some things to consider when discussing boundaries, agreements, and non-negotiables include:

When and how often do we schedule our date nights?
How do we want to talk about and handle our discomfort with the partners of our partner (also known as metamours)?
How do we want to practice safer sex? How often do we test for STIs? What do we do if a partner doesn’t use protection with someone else?
Do we agree on having metamours come to our shared home? How do we schedule this?
How do we each pay for dates with our other partners? Does the money come out of our shared finances, or do we pay from our own “fun money”?
How much information are we comfortable sharing about our relationships with other people? And have we checked in with other partners about how much information they’re comfortable having shared?
How do we self-regulate and self-soothe when the other person is on a date or out with other partners?
How often do we revisit these agreements?

Do I have the capacity to engage in an ENM relationship?

One thing people in the ENM community tend to agree on is that this relationship dynamic requires a lot of time, effort, and commitment from all involved. Transparency, trust, and ongoing communication are important, but these also hinge on everyone’s commitment to self-awareness and self-work. Open relationships force those involved to examine their insecurities and confront their jealousy triggers head-on – an experience that can be unfamiliar and frightening for people new to ENM. Embarking on this journey will require time and energy so you should carefully consider your mental and emotional capacity before diving in.  

Whether you’re brand new to ENM or consider yourself a seasoned pro, having a professional to talk to as you navigate your journey can be incredibly helpful. Transitioning to ethical non-monogamy can be daunting, and conflict is bound to crop up; a therapist can work with you and your partner(s) to increase your communication skills, build trust, restore intimacy, and strengthen your bond as you figure out your version of non-monogamy. At the same time, entering into a new relationship dynamic can create the opportunity for introspection, growth, and self-exploration. Working with a therapist can help you discover your boundaries and desires, as well as how to communicate them to your partner(s). If you’re part of a polycule or have been non-monogamous for a while, you might be past some of the growing pains that arise at the beginning but now need help navigating the introduction of a new partner or a life transition such as cohabiting or parenting. Whatever your situation, an ENM-friendly therapist will work with your unique needs to help you achieve your relationship goals.