Conflict Communication Strategies Series: Validation

Validation allows the other person to feel as though they have been understood. It helps others to feel respected and creates a supportive environment in which deeper issues can be discussed. This is because when someone feels heard and understood, they are more likely to open up further about what is coming up for them. On the other hand, when validation is missing in communication, it can create an increased distance between those who are communicating and lead to feelings of resentment and frustration. Validation is a skill, it is something that, given the right tools and a bit of practice, we can improve. 

Step One: Empathy

The first step of validation is empathy. Many people confuse empathy with sympathy. Brené Brown describes sympathy as putting a silver lining around the cloud instead of being there with the person in their cloud. I love this description and know that when people do this to me, I no longer feel like I can share the raw and hurt nature of my pain. In fact, this is one of the key components to therapy. Your therapist can help you feel heard and understood, allowing true healing to occur.

Unlike sympathy, empathy is more about understanding the other person’s experience from a place of genuine care and curiosity. This is hard to explain at times because some people truly feel that they can’t relate to what the other person is saying. They have no reference point from their own life journey to relate. This is when curiosity helps. You get the other person to describe what you do not understand. Being curious is an important part of step three but is also an essential part of the other five steps. A curious position helps you to open your ears to truly hear what the other is saying. When working with a trained therapist, they will often take the role of the curious participant, which allows all present parties to begin to better understand the deeper meaning of the conflict and more easily connect to empathy for one another. 
 

Step Two: Accurate Reflection and Acknowledgement

Step two of the validation steps is accurate reflection and acknowledgment. The listener reflects back to what they heard the speaker say. Sometimes, this can be tricky because when we interpret others’ words, we do so based on our own interpretation and experiences. Other times, defensiveness might come up as the listener, as we might hear in the other person’s words that it is all our fault. Take a moment to breathe and instead focus deeply on understanding the other person’s words. If we respond with defensiveness, it can add fuel to the fire of the argument. Try to say, as exactly as you can, what you heard the person say. If this step is hard to do, know that a trained professional can help. The role of a counsellor is to help slow things down and reflect to the couple or family information in a way that is understandable to all.

Step Three: Check for Completeness of Understanding

In step three, you ask the listener if you have understood them correctly. If you have displayed appropriate attunement or understanding, you will often get an enthusiastic yes. This can often lead to the speaker adding additional information for you. If that happens, lean into that curiosity further. It's a great sign that after feeling understood, the speaker is opening up further. Sometimes, after asking if you have understood something correctly, the speaker might say no. That is ok. It is only in continuing to check in for understanding that we learn how to interpret the dialogue of those around us. If this happens, return to curiosity and request the speaker to clarify. Then return to step one. 

Step Four: Evaluate Historical Context

Step four is about historical context. This is wher eyou get to examine your own personal triggers that may stem from your upbringing in childhood. It could also be the result of past relationships. This allows you to take respondibility for what has shaped you to respond the way you do. Step four is extremely important in working through the concerns in a deeper way, to begin healing between the individuals and even within each individual outside of the relationship. One possible barrier in step four is that it can be difficult to undestand our personal triggers due to important coping strategies that we have had in place to keep us safe over the years. This is where ane xperienced therapist is essential. In therapy, your counsellor will help reflect back on the historical context to deepen your understanding of one anotehr and yourself.

Step Five: Normalizing within the Present Context

In this step, the listener normalizes the feelings of the speaker, integrating important contextual information. This might look like, saying "This makes sense to me considering..." In step five, the speaker feels truly validated to hear the listener display genuine understanding. Some other phrases that reflect normalization are:

• I would feel that way too, in your shoes
• Given _____, I think anyone would feel that way.
• It's understandable that you'd feel this way, especially with ______.

Step Six: Assume Radical Genuineness, Equality, and Respect

The final step is to assume radical genuineness, equality, and respect. When you have this position, you are not aiming to change the other person's perspective but to understand it without judgment. What this does is allow the other person to feel as though you are truly on a team together. In order to do this, we do not need to fully agree with the other person, but we do need to fully understand their position. An example of a phrase that would represent htis is, "Thank you for sharing what is going on with you. I believe that I have a better understanding of what is happening for you."

On the other hand, if we are to say, "Let's agree to disagree" this would signal to the other person that you do not understand their point of view and that you are on opposing teams. This furthers distance and conflict within the relationship. Leaning into understanding and empathy is what truly allows the final stage of validation to occur.

Incorporating validation into your communication style can transform the way conflicts are resolved in relationships. Couples and families can create an environment where both parties feel heard and respected by using empathy, accurate reflection, and a genuine curiosity to understand each other’s perspectives. The six-step process of empathy, reflection, understanding, historical context, normalization, and radical respect helps bridge the gap of misunderstanding that often fuels conflict. While validation does not necessarily mean agreeing with the other person, it fosters a sense of connection, emotional safety, and teamwork. Over time, these strategies can deepen mutual respect and understanding, ultimately leading to healthier, more harmonious relationships. If you are looking to improve communication and create more meaningful connections in your relationships, validation is a powerful tool worth practicing with the support of a skilled therapist. Reach out to us at Holistic Healing Counselling to book with Linda or one of our Edmonton-based trained therapists and get started on your journey today!

*This blog post is based on the Family Validation Skills worksheet that can be found at www.dbtfamilyskills.com by John Mader, LMFT