Building Safe and Supportive Parent-Child Relationships

Take some time to read through the following imaginary situation explored through the perspective of both the infant and the caregiver. As you’re reading, I’ll invite you to be open, curious and accepting of whatever thoughts, feelings, sensations, and reactions come up for you and not to judge yourself for having them. Also notice what stands out to you from the experience of the infant and the caregiver.

Hypothetical Scenario: Luca wakes from a nap upset

Let’s explore this interaction from Luca’s perspective:

Luca is a seven-month-old infant, and he is woken up unexpectedly from a nap. He starts to open his eyes. He opens his eyes to take in the ray of sunshine peeking in through the blinds of the nursery. As Luca starts to wake up some more, he starts to feel warm. Something doesn’t feel quite right. He starts to notice that his bottom is feeling uncomfortable. Luca starts to cry since he doesn’t know how to cope with these feelings and sensations. He notices no one is coming, so he starts to cry a little louder and starts to feel more and more distressed. A few moments later he sees a reassuring face gazing down at him. She bends down and gently picks Luca up out of the crib and takes him into her arms. She starts to gently rock him back and forth. She sings to him and continues rocking him back and forth. Luca hears a light and melodic tone in her voice. She catches Luca’s gaze and starts to sound silly and playful. He sees her making funny faces and gestures too. Luca giggles and starts to feel content. She checks Luca’s diaper. After some more rocking and silly faces, she then gently places Luca on the mat and starts to change his diaper. Luca starts to whimper and gets upset.

She looks at him with love and care and then starts to make some more silly faces and some more silly sounds. She makes eye contact with Luca and then blows a raspberry on his belly. Luca giggles. She blows another raspberry. She mimes the gesture of blowing a raspberry as she changes his diaper. Luca’s eyes notice the sparkle in her eyes and the warmth and care in her smile. Luca is giggling and smiling… he feels content and loved. He hardly notices her changing his diaper anymore. Then… it is all done. The diaper is changed, and Luca is feeling better. He is okay now. She slowly picks Luca up off the mat and sings to him as she holds him securely in her arms. Luca starts to feel sleepy. She gently places Luca back in his crib and smiles at him. She helps Luca get comfortable and all settled into his crib. As Luca starts to close his eyes, he catches the twinkle in her eyes and warmth of her smile one more time. He is feeling okay and secure again… Luca starts to drift to sleep.

Let’s now consider the interaction from mom’s perspective:

Mom is tired and exhausted. She finally got Luca down for his nap and now she can get a little bit of shuteye. “Phew…”, she thinks to herself, “finally some me-time.” Mom dozes off for a few moments but is woken up by the sound of Luca crying through the baby monitor. “Ugh are you serious,” she groans out loud to herself. Mom is quick to judge herself and starts to feel guilty for even having such a thought. The crying continues… After a moment she musters up the strength to get off the couch and walk down the hall to the nursery. A wave of exhaustion hits mom as she enters the nursery. “Okay we can do this” mom reassures herself. She exhales… Mom bends down and makes eye contact with Luca. She says to Luca in a light and soothing tone: “Hi sweetie, mama sees that you’re upset and crying… It’s okay… I’m here now… It must have been scary being all alone and upset…What’s going on my love?”. She gently picks Luca up out of the crib and starts rocking him back and forth . “I bet you were wondering where I was, weren't you? That must have been scary… It’s okay sweetie… Mama’s here now Luca… I got you…” Mom rocks Luca back and forth some more. Mom starts singing “The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout. Down came the rain…” Mom notices Luca’s crying starts to slow down. She sings some more and continues rocking him back and forth. Luca’s crying stops and he starts babbling and taking in more of the room around him. Mom catches his gaze. She keeps singing “Down came the rain…” and starts smiling at him. Luca starts to smile back. “Oh there’s my smiley Luca! Look at that big, beautiful smile. Momma loves you!” Mom remembers that Luca usually giggles and loves when she uses her silly voice and makes funny faces during bedtime stories. “Luca my my what big TOES you have… Luca my my… what big EYES you have.” Luca giggles.

Mom checks Luca’s diaper. “Oof, Luca that is a stinker,” mom says. Mom notices Luca is still engaged and making eye contact with her. She chooses to share this observation with him a bit louder and in a playful tone: “Peeyouu.. Luca that is.. A.. BIG STINKER…” Mom scrunches her face and shares a goofy expression with Luca: “PEE..YUW… LUCA…That was a big STINKER”. Luca giggles. Mom places Luca on the mat and gets ready to change his diaper. She notices him getting upset, starting to cry, and squirming a bit. “Oh I know Luca. Diaper time is hard. What could we do to make this go by nice and quick? Some more silly faces?”. Mom tries making a silly face. Luca still appears upset. “How about a raspberry on your belly… Oh I see a round tummy…” Mom catches Luca’s eyes and then blows a raspberry on his belly. Luca giggles. Mom does it one more time. Luca giggles again. “SO SILLY. That’s funny, isn’t it?”. Mom takes off the diaper and mimics the sound of blowing a raspberry as she changes the diaper. Luca giggles. “That was silly wasn’t it”. Mom mimes blowing a raspberry again and makes a funny sound. Luca giggles some more. Mom puts on a new diaper. “There we go. Nice and clean. All done… You did it. You are such a brave boy Luca.”

Mom picks Luca up off the mat and starts to sing to him some more. Mom feels a warm sensation in her chest as she rocks Luca back and forth. She feels a profound love and care for this tiny human she is rocking back and forth in her arms. Mom notices that Luca is starting to yawn. “Oh! Somebody is looking sleepy. Should we try to nap some more?”. Mom places Luca back in his crib. Mom helps Luca get comfortable in his crib. Mom locks eyes with Luca and smiles at him. “Sweet dreams mister. Momma loves you.” Mom turns on the bedtime lullaby on the iPad and makes sure the baby monitor is turned on. Mom sits beside the crib until Luca is fast asleep.

Mom tiptoes out of the room. She walks to the kitchen and pours herself a cup of her favourite tea. Mom sits back down on the couch. Baby monitor is on. All good so far. Mom exhales and takes a sip of tea. Mom starts to get sleepy too. As she starts nodding off she pictures Luca smiling up at her and thinks of him giggling as she blew a raspberry on his stomach. Mom smiles to herself and drifts to sleep. 

1. What came up for you as you were reading Luca’s experience? 
2. What came up for you as you were reading Mom’s experience? 
3. What did you appreciate the most about the way the mom connected and was present with Luca?

Here are some things that stood out to me from Mom and Luca’s interaction:

• Mom used moments of silliness and playfulness to help diffuse Luca’s emotional distress. She also drew inspiration from past moments of playfulness and silliness in her relationship with Luca.
• Mom’s reassuring words to Luca, her presence, her smile, her tone of voice seemed to convey a stance of acceptance and unconditional love towards Luca. She did not try to judge or minimize Luca’s feelings or experience but instead accepted each feeling and response as it came.
• I also found mom was curious about what was going on for Luca by carefully observing his non-verbal cues including his facial expressions and his emotional responses. She did her best to not make assumptions about his experience. When he responded to her actions with giggles or smiles she repeated the action.
• Lastly, mom conveyed a deep sense of empathy and understanding by validating his emotional distress, by rocking him back and forth, and by offering words of reassurance, love, and support. 

It’s perfectly okay if it was difficult for you to connect to this scenario. And it’s also perfectly okay if it brought up something uncomfortable or distressing from your own experiences as a child or caregiver.

For some of us the interaction between Mom and Luca may seem foreign or very different from our own childhood experiences with our caregivers. Parenting behaviours and parenting styles are influenced by many factors including culture, caregiver beliefs, a caregiver’s age and gender, caregiver stress, a caregiver’s own developmental history, a child’s temperament, and the level of social support received by the caregiver. In general developmental psychology and neuroscience research shows that infants are very dependent on their caregivers to maintain their physical and emotional well-being. Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson identifies that the main developmental challenge for 0-1.5 year olds is learning whether or not we can trust caregivers to consistently meet our physical and emotional needs. When these needs are consistently met, trust and safety builds in the caregiver-child relationship and infants begin to develop a sense of hope that someone will be there to soothe and support them the next time they are in distress. When the infant’s emotional and physical needs are not consistently met, the infant can develop a sense of fear and they begin to carry a sense of mistrust into other relationships. As the infant grows this sense of mistrust and fear can evolve into anxiety, heightened insecurities, and create negative beliefs about themselves and the world around them.

You may be thinking if consistent care, caregiver availability, and caregiver responsiveness were not part of my childhood experience how will I know how to show up for my own children?

Fret not, in the remainder of the blog I will share a helpful and evidence-based framework for creating safe, loving and trusting relationships with children. Psychologist Dr. Dan Hughes, created the acronym “P.A.C.E.” to illustrate how caregivers can build safe and trusting bonds with their children. It’s based on how caregivers connect and relate to young infants but the principles of P.A.C.E. can benefit children throughout their development into adulthood. P.A.C.E. is an attitude and a way of being with children and youth that allows them to feel safe, understood and loved. The four principles of P.A.C.E. are playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy. The following quote from Dan Hughes, beautifully captures how an attitude of PACEfulness can benefit children:

“When parents talk to their children with an attitude of playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy, children experience their parent’s deep interest and understanding of them. An attitude of PACE allows children to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, helping them dare to feel “good enough” after all.” -Dan Hughes, psychologist and founder of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy and Attachment-Based Family Therapy 

Boundaries are not just the “hard limits” in our lives but they also include the “maybes” or the “yeses with limits”. There are three main structures for boundaries – permeable, rigid, and flexible.

• Permeable Boundaries: Everything can get through these boundaries. They are defined for you by others in your life. With permeable boundaries, you are letting others do whatever they want regardless of your needs or desires. 
• Flexible Boundaries: Flexible boundaries are continuously adjusted so that we can protect ourselves while also experiencing growth. Flexible boundaries give us the space to compromise, which can lead to the betterment of ourselves and our relationships. 
• Rigid Boundaries: Some boundaries should be rigid if they defend real safety, security, or our core values (to a limit). These boundaries reflect needs rather than wants. Sometimes when we have experienced trauma, we tend to have more rigid boundaries. This is okay and serves to protect us from further harm. However, with time and a felt sense of safety and security, we notice those boundaries can often become a bit more flexible. 
   

We often find ourselves on autopilot, going through the motions every day without realizing that the stress, frustration, and burnout we are experiencing are because our boundaries are being crossed.  By bringing mindful awareness to these internal and relationship dynamics, we are able to switch out of autopilot mode and cultivate personal and relationship boundaries that reflect our needs, desires, and values.  

Counselling work often includes working with clients on their boundaries. Edmonton-based therapists at Holistic Healing Counselling work with clients on boundaries by exploring the different types of boundaries their clients have and the structures of those boundaries. Our counsellors work with their clients to determine whether or not their boundaries move them towards their personal and relationship goals. They also work with clients on identifying rigid boundaries which might be reinforcing beliefs created as responses to traumatic experiences. Our trained therapist will help you to identify the best balance of boundaries for you to live an authentic and fulfilling life. Ready to work on it? Reach out to our masters-level trained therapists today and start your healing journey.

In the next blog post of this series, we will be discussing what boundary violations look like and how to be mindful of when our boundaries might be crossed.